Last night I posted poem that I just wasn’t feeling and it frustrated me. The prompt was the word “knot” and I love that prompt. It has potential, possibility, promise! But I could not get into the zone, the happy place – the place where it all goes away and the words fall out and sing for me, where I go away.
Right now work has me tied up in knots because the problems come so fast that I don’t have time to stop and think about what I’m doing and I’m brain tired at the end of the day. I’m left feeling like last night. There was no zone and things do not have that thing that Robert Pirsig tried to define in “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” – that quality. Not the kind of Quality that is defined by others perception though I am a comment junkie with the best of them; I mean a quality where you feel complete with something, anything you have done and you can hold it and look at it and turn it over and yes, there – right there – I am in that and the feeling is good.
Life is a series of those things, moments, relationships with the places inbetween just moments waiting for the quality, zone, REAL ones to be. Approval from others is nice, it is validating, but if approval from others comes and I don’t have that feeling in myself there is a feeling of cheating – of being a sham.
Sometimes there needs to be a challenge that I can beat. It doesn’t have to be something huge. Just one thing to focus on, dive into, complete. To be able to look back and say something is finished. That is another source of frustration for me right now. I am in a season of constant challenge with zero feeling of completion, just moving from one task to another knowing that the line is stretching on beyond any horizon I can see (being a bit melodramatic here) so there is no time to stop and puzzle over the answer. I have to duct tape it when I prefer to use finer stitches.
I have tried to be in that zone at night, to write something that lets me go THERE and maybe for right now, I need to let it be what it is and just post some thoughts until it comes naturally. Trying to force it just seems to make the knot tighter and it chafes, makes sparks fly.
Then again, maybe it is just waking up at four in the morning. It’s Friday and there will be time to ease the strands loose this weekend and the Sunday Scribbling prompt is up – tattoo. That makes me smile. Maybe when the knot is untied I can braid it into a story. For now, I’ll finish my coffee on the back porch and get ready for one more day.