The Sunday Scribbling prompt this week is Afraid. What are you scared of?
A lot of things scare me. Bees and wasps, snakes, pain, Fiddle Head Ferns (I know but they always made me think of aliens), saying the wrong thing (which I DO frequently – you would think I’d be over it). There are things I worry about but I think those are a different category.
If I really search for the things that can keep me awake – I am afraid of time.
There have been crystal pure moments in this life, where time stopped and I stepped outside of it, barely breathing. I saw everything at once, heard every laugh, smelled the sun, and knew without a doubt that if I was asked at that very moment, where I would like to be, I would have chosen that time and place. Every color, intense and perfect, feeling complete and peaceful joy.
I don’t mean the big events like births and weddings. Those things are marked by the calendar.
I mean the small, seemingly insignificant times when for some inexplicable reason, it felt as if God’s finger tapped me on the shoulder and whispered that I should look and remember, take it with me. I mean a time when I wasn’t just there, but I was truly present – in that moment.
As a Christian, I know I have the hope of heaven. I believe that Jesus Christ paid the price for my sins. I believe that God loves me more than my human self can possibly imagine.
My human self can’t imagine anything more beautiful or joyful than those moments. This is a paradox and my most confusing sin. We are not supposed to be tied to this world – and yet we are given these gifts of moments that make me love this world in a way that goes to the very heart of me. Oh, I know there are terrible things in this world. You’ve only to turn on the evening news to get bombarded by violence and tragedy. We see evidence of how little humans care for other humans every day. But when I think of how a person’s mind works and through little lines and sounds that form words and how we make leaps of imagination, form relationships, paint pictures, and create music and love, I am in awe. When I think of the small every day miracles when someone does the right thing for no reason or when someone makes a small gesture of love without being asked it makes me want to hug the world!
But those moments, oh those moments. They hold me as much as I hold them. I fear them stopping. I fear not being here. I fear not feeling that connection to another human being. Will I take those moments with me? Will I remember? Will I be remembered?
At the same time I’m curious to see what comes next. In Mark 9 we find the short but oh so meaningful prayer – “Lord I believe, help my unbelief” That sums it up for me. Am I flawed or do others have this doubt? If we are to love God and desire to be in His presence, is it wrong to have this love for His creation? Can we love the Creator but hate His creation? If it’s wrong then why is creation so filled with beauty? Is it part of learning to trust?
It’s Easter weekend and it’s scary to me to even post this. This is a time of celebration. The tomb is empty, Jesus conquered the grave. I know these things but I want to know them MORE. A friend told me (teasingly I think) that I’m nosy. I am, it’s true. More than nosy – I like to KNOW things. I like proof of things. I like things to make sense. I love it when a bible teacher explains something that makes the Bible make sense. I love the mystery and mystical”ness” but the logic and proof make me enjoy that part more. When I learn something that proves the gospel, it doesn’t all of a sudden make me start believing. It’s more like YES! I knew it!
Sooo, I hope I am not judged too harshly for doubts. Isn’t that what faith is about? We keep walking because we trust God to guide us, even when in and of ourselves we know we are lost?